Bad Habits
- PhruityPheebles
- Jan 13, 2020
- 4 min read
Updated: Sep 8, 2023
Recommended for people 21+
Content and Trigger Warnings: Language & Profanity; Drug or alcohol use; Drug or alcohol abuse; addiction; additive behavior, Self-harm; anxiety; Graphic medical descriptions
Once winter had started, I began smoking cigarettes again.
It was when I knew my mental state was really dipping because I turned to one of the most dangerous & easily accessible drugs. I wanted to numb the pain that I felt, numb the anger, numb the sadness, numb the pain and not spiral out of control every time I felt like I was drowning.
Whenever I feel upset or angry my first reaction is to find a way to numb my anger. I don't think that the people around me are ready to handle me at my 100%. I don't think that I am ready for that. So I smoke, I drink, I take pills, I do anything I can in order to not feel the things I feel. I feel everything all the time, and with the help of my insomnia that keeps me up at night and leaves me mentally exhausted later but still drowning.
So I buy a pack of cigarettes.
I should stress here that I've never & do not have a nicotine addiction. But sometimes, when I found myself in a particularly stressful time, I would buy a single pack of cigarettes. I will smoke one while driving my car windows down, until I finished the pack. This was the well-known "Smoke the Whole Pack So You Never Do It Again Solution". It helped take the edge off, and for as long as I can remember (early childhood), I have always felt like I was just barely hanging on, gripping the ledge dangling over extreme heights.
Don't get me wrong, smoking cigarettes makes me feel gross inside. Every time I inhale the smoke, I can feel my insides slowly start to rot. This is why I have convinced myself I'm not addicted.
I remember yelling at my father as a child, telling him cigarettes were unhealthy and that they would kill him slowly if he kept smoking them. But here I am, fifteen years later, slowly trying to kill myself, the fucking hypocrite I turned out to be! But regardless of how physically gross I felt, they did make me feel better. Smoking cigarettes forces you to inhale deeply and just breathe, even if you're breathing in filth. But that filth that fills your lungs and rushes to your head has the ability to help calm you. Even if it's only for a moment as your tolerance to the filth grows stronger. You begin to crave those moments of calm, especially when you feel so stressed out and anxious & worried & powerless.
The craziest part is that I can stop this bad habit, or rather "craving", whenever I want to- it's the starting that's the problem. Especially when I'm spending my hard-earned wages on a $7 pack of menthols or cigarettes. But since I bought it, obviously, I gotta get my money's worth. My Smoke-The-Whole-Pack money's worth, unless someone asks for one then I do share.
Yes, It's a filthy habit but it helps me slow down for a moment. That first inhale hits differently each time, and although I feel dirty and disgusting because cigarettes wreak havoc on your body, I feel better. I try not to think about how my hair will fall out, or how my teeth will yellow, or that anytime I exert too much energy, too fast, I suddenly can't breathe. But I am calm, I am numb, finally.
Then the first step to stop is finishing the pack that I purchased, either by sharing it with my friends or giving them out to strangers at bars. Then, when I'm about to have my last cigarette, I think about how the smoke will rot my insides to the point that it will eventually affect my outsides and make my breath stink of early death.
Most importantly, I imagine the cigarette smoke filling up my lungs and sitting there until eventually, I choke on smoke, and my lungs give out. Ironically, I smoke cigarettes to force myself to take a deep breath when I feel as though I physically can't. I have to consistently keep reminding myself that that's what cigarettes do to you. They choke and kill you but slowly. That though makes it easy for me to not form a lasting habit. It's easy to resist cause like I said it's a craving.
A craving that only comes around once in a while, like when someone hurts you and it suddenly changes your world. I wish I could trick my mind like that when it came to you. Even though you don't rot my insides, you seem to have rotted my mind. You're the worst bad habit of them all since you're much harder to quit.
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Nicotine Addiction Resources:
I do not support addiction resources that dehumanize, judge, criminalize, or shame a person no matter their addiction. Sobriety cannot be forced upon someone, they have to make the first step in getting help on their own.
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