Joint Climb

PhruityPheebles
Apr 24, 2022
9 min read

Updated: Sep 8, 2023

Recommended for people 21+

Content and Trigger Warning: Language & Profanity; drug or alcohol use; Drug or alcohol abuse; addiction, mental health triggers like social isolation, anti-social behavior, symptoms of depression; social anxiety, panic attacks, manic episodes, Sizeism or fat shaming, fatphobia or dysphoria

Rock formation of the Pinnacles in Missouri. — This is the main rock formation at the Pinnacles in Missouri; you can see a little small crevice in the middle where people like to climb into and sit inside.

Have you ever done something you didn't want to do because you weren't sure how to say "No" to the person you were falling in love with!? Me neither... :(

After a surreal road trip to the state of Texas, I got back home only to realize that I thought I was starting to fall in love with Him. The Texas trip was the first time we had spent so many days in a row together for the little trip we had planned with our friend. We were spending a lot of time hanging out before, but now, we were spending huge chunks of time with each other.

We'd see each other at work and have shifts together- spending our shifts giving shit to newbie employees and ranting about rude customers or management. After work, we'd drink and smoke while listening to music, watch TV, or play video games. But then, we started spending time sober. Before our Texas trip, we went to Walmart one day and got a badminton set (I believe he fronted the bill for it) that we set up and played. Our Badminton game didn't go as planned since we picked an incredibly windy day but still managed to have fun in each other's company.

It's crazy how everything would change and how quickly it fell apart. Even though sirens in my head went off telling me I was crazy, that I should not fall in love, that I should do anything and everything to stop the speeding train I was on because I knew the tracks would end and I would crash. But at the same time, I miss those days. I miss feeling good about spending so much time with someone I know wanted to spend time with me. That was the only reason I let the train keep moving forward; I hoped there were enough tracks to last us a while.

But when chunks of time like work shifts, weekends, and weeknights turned into days or more, it became an assumption that we were probably hanging out if we weren't working or sleeping. Until that point, I never had someone in my life that I spent so much time with, not in any of the relationships or friendships I had outside of my immediate family. I had spent so much time by myself because it was all I had known up to this point.

His company never made me feel alone, sometimes we could sit in each other's silence once our social batteries had depleted. But it seemed that only I thought that spending that much time together indicated something more than just a platonic friendship. Then again, what the fuck do I know about any of that. Especially anything about healthy relationships... but then again, what the fuck did he know about that?

So after spending a week together in Texas, we returned and our connection felt deeper somehow. This connection was unfortunate for our friend, who spent the week watching that happen and, as a result, missed his temporary ex-girlfriend. I felt that he had noticed the way we started looking at each other. The three of us were no longer the Three Amigos we were before.

A crevice in the Pinnacle rock formation. — Remember the crevice from the first pic? This is the view from the top.

So when He and I had a random Monday off shortly after Texas, there was no question whether or not we were hanging out. We talked so much, constantly, that we hung out on autopilot. We decided to do something outside of the "normal" since it was such a nice summer day. He asked me if I wanted to go to the Pinnacles, about 30 mins north of us. I agreed; sure, why not. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Certainly, I didn't think it through. And honestly? I would've probably would have said yes to anything he wanted to do. I was a love-smitten fool.

The Pinnacles are a rock formation surrounded by two streams in mid-Missouri. The water level changes by season. Sometimes it's easier to cross over the river to get onto the formation.

Still, the water level can get too high. I had never been before, let alone climb up onto the formation. I love hiking and nature, but I'm not a climber. My body was not meant for climbing; it was meant for outlasting the harsh winters my ancestors survived. Let me double down here: climbing is not fun when you're shorter than average and fatter than average! My short legs and arms are not my friends! Gravity is also not nice to you when you have two weight sacks (boobs) hanging from your chest.

So although I put on my hiking boots, I was not mentally prepared to climb or scale the side of a rock formation surrounded by water. Especially with someone I was most definitely falling in love with.

A little backstory: until this summer, we had been friends for just over a year. Last summer, he had broken up with his long-term high-school girlfriend. Rather, she did him a favor and broke up with him. Also, just over six months before we climbed a rock together, I had told him I had "Beyond-Friend-Feelings" for him. He condescendingly let me down into the friendzone and avoided me for a solid two months. Good thing I had said how I felt just before Thanksgiving. Going back and forth between campus and hometown for about 2 months gave him plenty of time to adjust to his awkwardness at my confession.

Me? I was fine. I realized then and there that had I been his preferred body type … skinny... maybe he wouldn't have sighed at the notion of just going on a date. It was all I wanted, really. I was never the commitment type, many have tried. He was the first guy I had a crush on in a REALLY long time. Can't stress enough how long it had been. And crushing on him made me feel hopeful[?] after being in a depression hole at dissociation station. Why would it be now if it wasn't meant to be then?

Well, things had changed. Our relationship had changed; it got deeper. Two seasons later, we were going on "dates" all the time after readjusting our friendship. How did I manage to go on, you asked? After he rejected me? Well, I did. It was an answer. It was closure. Sure, I still found him attractive. And that's what was really dangerous: attraction. Sometimes it's unwavering even after all the shit they've put you through. They give you that one look, and it is over; the ground beneath you has crumbled. FUCK sometimes, it's just super embarrassing to be alive. To exist. Especially to have to exist in this situation.

So here I was, going to climb a fucking rock, in butt-fuck-no-where Missouri, with the man who had once rejected me but now couldn't go a day without talking or seeing me. I was climbing with a man I knew did not find me attractive, and I was about to prove him right by frantically trying to climb this fucking rock. But since I clearly, really hate myself, we made the joint decision to get stoned. On the drive there, I was already high out of my mind.

We grabbed our water bottles when we arrived, and he picked a place alongside the rock formation. We ended up scaling the formation at its tallest point. I had trouble getting started since I was 5'3, and the ledge was about 5 inches above me. It was no problem for him at 6'4, though. So I ended up having to find a different pathway up. My anxiety said to me, "Bitch, no, what are you doing. We don't climb... we can't climb. The last time we did a rock climbing wall, we were 75 pounds lighter, and it was also 10 years ago." But Mania said, "Bitch, if you don't start climbing and follow that cute boy up that rock, I swear to god..." I listened to my Mania. Something in me allowed me to climb (a manic adrenaline rush?) even though I was scared, sweaty, and stoned out of goddamn my mind.

It was July in Missouri, which meant heat and humidity. And yet I followed him up the rock formation anyway. He led the way and didn't account for some of the obstacles that I couldn't get through that he could. So I had to find chubby, short girl alternative paths while trying not to get too far behind. I wanted to show him that despite my marshmallow-like frame, all of this *is gesturing to my entire body* can still make it up this 60+ foot God damn rock formation.

Let me again address the fact that we were doing this FREE-HANDED, with no ropes, no helmets, and no safety net. I ran out of water halfway up when we took a break and rested against a tree or a stump. He carried both of our water bottles in his pockets while we climbed. Cargo shorts are much better suited for climbing than cropped leggings. When we finally made it up to the top, we found a cool rock to sit on.

Immediately as I sat down, I felt my heart rate rising immediately instead of going down. I was even MORE stoned than before because the strenuous activity made my metabolism process the weed faster. I became more panicked, especially when I finally saw how high we had climbed. I realized right then and there I was, terrified of heights. I began to officially panic while stoned, on a tall rock, in the middle of butt-fuck-nowhere-in-particular, Missouri, with the guy I was falling in love with who probably didn't and couldn't reciprocate those feelings.

My anxiety got the best of me. Every time I tried to get up, my vision would blur, and I would get dizzy and nauseous. But he was nice about it. He didn't say anything mean, rude, or discouraging, even if he may have been thinking it. He sat with me for a while as I tried to regain my mental and physical strength. I was so embarrassed that I tried to compensate for my physical exhaustion by telling him weird stories.

I even shared with him in the moment that I had just realized my fear of heights. We talked and laughed at the irony of it. I tried to get him not to notice how panicked I was, mainly because if I couldn't make my way back down again, I would've told him to just leave me as a snack for the predators. Eventually, I caught my breath and was able to shake off how high I was once I started to feel the rays of the sunshine on my skin, making me sweat and realize my predicament.

Despite how scared I was of the drop just past the slab of rock we found, just to dangle our feet off the ledge, it was a beautiful vista. You could see the miles of forest stretching in each direction and children playing along the river steams on either side of the pinnacles. We took some pictures and videos of the nature views before making our way down the rock formation. We found a tiny crevice in the formation, which we saw when we first came up to the stream (see pictures!).

Rock formation at the Pinnacles in Missouri — The crevice has many ledges where people like to sit and dangle their weary legs. On the sunny side this rock is covered in people's signatures.

In that crevice, we saw a signature carved into the rock from an EDM artist that had come to town that we had seen a few months prior. When the artist came to town, he marked on the rock each time he had come through. So many people made a mark or signed their name on the rock. This was such a strange practice to me. It's as if we are subconsciously emulating our cave-people ancestors making markings on cool rocks we like. We didn't make one primarily because we didn't have anything to use to make any markings. Ugh stupid modern humans on their damn cellphones.

Climbing down the rest of the mountain was easy. Just gotta be careful where you step, but it took us less time than climbing

up the mountain. By the time we got back to his car and ran for the extra bottles of water we had brought, we were so thirsty it was just silence and chugging. After quenching our thirst, we realized how hungry we were, perhaps the good ole' Munchies making an appearance.

The idea of eating 5 Guys to satiate our still-stoned asses was the most intelligent decision I made that day. So we went, ate, and it was just another (mis)adventure in the story of our short-lived, Best-Friend-Situationship.

This Made The Top 5 of The Highest I've Ever Been.